What No One Tells You About Anxiety

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Anxiety is the fear of the unknown!

It grips your chest and squeezes every little bit of breath out of your body. It clenches around your heart and makes you paranoid and scared.

Anxiety. It invades every pore on a bad day making the simplest of tasks hard.

A happy thought can turn to worry and paranoia. Your feelings crash against each other in their own personal battle.

It makes daily routines and simple tasks like the school run feel like a marathon you’re not fit enough to tackle. A fear rises and the dread is like a wall blocking your way forward.

You worry people are watching and judging you so it is easier to stay in.

It can have you pacing the floor wearing out your carpet as the fear bubbles and escapes into a cry.

Your mind takes over and mixes your feelings up like a tornado of debris crashing around your brain.

Then the panic attack happens, you try to talk about your feelings but the words don’t come out, you stumble on words and sentences come to a jumbled mess as the fear takes hold and squashes any brave thoughts you had.

Isolation takes hold. The friends visit less and become people from the past. The odd nod in the street as you pass, compared to the strong friendship who you had and who you shared secrets with.

You get invited out for a coffee which you really want to do but something happens in the morning that catches you off guard and suddenly the coffee you were looking forward to is just a bitter taste in your mouth.

Slowly friends stop contacting you because they think you’re avoiding them but don’t ask why they assume you’re rude or you are not the person they thought they knew.

They think their feelings about you are right when really they are far from the truth.

Anxiety will break you unless you fight it!

The daily fight is real!

It’s time to talk!

Madison Ward

The Silent Destroyer!

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I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I got totally sucked in! Sucked into the life of gossip! Something I never was or had been but something I had become.

‘Don’t be a Bitch Witch’ … It’s a saying that I’ve used in recent months where I look back to times where I got sucked into a comedy coven of hatred!

How did I get sucked in? … I was working in a lonely job, you make a friend and they become a saviour to your life and suddenly your good friends! You make a friend through work, at the gym and the good ole’ mummy friends.

The gossiping became a slow progression from the odd comment about something you had heard and passed on to a  couple of years later and you’re a totally different person you once were. This is where you take a step back. Once you realised after a few weeks that you are no longer the person you were,  you do the drastic thing of separating yourself from that life.

I’ve always been a kind, generous person and all always help people but when I stepped back I saw so many things I didn’t like and ways in which I was used and treated that you kind of feel detached from it. Like it wasn’t me it happened to. Some people can become so disillusioned that they don’t even realise they are the person that made you who you are today. Realise it and do something. Don’t be the person that is always taken from but when you need someone to be there for you, your left on your own. This was the heartbreaking thing for me. That I was always there for others but they were there when I really needed them. One friend was and I am very grateful for her friendship at the time.

How did I not see what I was turning into?  The fact is you don’t see until your connection with that person is broken. It’s not that I was desperate for friends because I wasn’t. I have plenty of friends who I’m close to who even after years of not seeing them is still there as if time was frozen! I much prefer to circulate in small groups but there are always those people who give off a persona that people want to like and once you get sucked in you don’t see it.

After the ‘separation’ due to health issues you then go through the whole drama of the gossiping about you. You find out people have assumed you have fallen out, not talking or don’t meet up anymore when in fact it is probable that due to health reasons it wasn’t possible to meet in those situations anymore.

These people then assume you’re avoiding them when in fact it’s just life or your health has changed. The way people treat you most certainly affects the way you deal with day to day life. Everything changes when your health deteriorates. Everything becomes much harder and when your friends are not there, it hurts! The friends you once had now become acquaintances or someone you once knew. They ‘think’ they know why you no longer meet up but never actually ask why. They discuss and make up their own minds for themselves without actually doing the decent thing and ask. If you are in this position and have a friend who has become distant, do the right thing and ask. You never know what personal demons someone is dealing with that can change the way they interact with people.

My advice to you! If you feel uncomfortable by something a friend says and you’re not in a position to tell them the truth without them totally flipping on you, don’t tell them! Don’t tell them personal details of your life! Share less and don’t tell them things you wouldn’t want your enemy knowing … you can sure as hell guarantee they will break your confidence!

Then there are the friends who make you see sense, they are the ones that are there when you need them. They are there when you are at your lowest point with anxiety and health problems. They are the ones to trust!

So what is the silent destroyer? It is ‘The untold truth!’

 

Madison

Everyday Inspiration – Day 4: A Story in a Single Image

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So, again I slipped on the blogging university challenges! Oops. I’m back on it now … again Day 4 was to post a photo from a selection provided to spark a post for today. The above image is the one I’ve chosen.

I went to Cornwall in the summer with my family and our local doggy walk looked to be something very similar to this one. I actually posted a photo within a post at the beginning of my blogging journey. So the reason I chose this image? Looking at the photo makes me smile. It’s the serenity the Forrest or woods give me. There is something very special about walking through the trees walking your dog with the morning light peeking through the trees.

It creates a very calming atmosphere where I can reflect on my life. Suffering from anxiety sometimes you just need the quiet to hear the jumble of thoughts in your mind.   As I hear the morning break with the sounds of birds the feelings of happiness often wash over me. Just getting out in the fresh air gives a feeling of release especially if I’m on my own. If I could have any wish it would be for there to be a wood on my doorstep that I could get up early in the morning and take my little Pup on a walk in. For me the nearest is a 10-minute walk away but believe me with 3 children to get ready for school I don’t have the time first thing to travel to a wood to begin my quiet ideal walk.

 Morning

In the morning sunshine,

I wander through the trees,

Listening to birds,

As I in and out weave.

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The birds tweet a beautiful song,

As I walk Little Pup and reflect, strolling along.

So what about yourselves? Describe what would your ideal doggy walk is or would be? Do you get inspiration first thing in the morning? Do you spend time in the quiet woods to reflect while walk or running too?

 

 

 

 

Flash Fiction – The Rock Cafe

 

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I stand by the counter making a cup of our finest Columbian roast espresso. The girl ordering, carries a pile of books under her arm and a haphazardly balanced messenger bag over her shoulder. She is a regular to the seaside café. Always comes in at 1.15pm. She comes in every Tuesday as it’s her free period at university, to make the most of her study period and says that the ambience of the cafe while watching the waves on the rocks gives her inspiration. She is studying to become a journalist and ironically her name is Louis. I always smile when I see her and chuckle to myself when I think of the references to the film.

“Actually Sandra, can I have two, I have a friend joining me today.”

“Of course, I will bring it over to you. Are you sitting in your usual place?”

Lois nods while smiling her gorgeous wide grin, “Yes, Thanks” She is always so happy and smiley. I admire her for chasing her dreams. Had I done that I wouldn’t be stood here making coffee with aching feet. If I had my chance again I would go back to University and study law. I’d always wanted to do something meaningful with my life but ended up getting a 9-3 job so I could take my children to school. My dreams have to be put on hold for now.

As I place the miniature coffee cup onto its matching tiny saucer I glance up and stare as the door opens. I stand straight and watch as in walks Clark Kent! Honestly, you couldn’t make this stuff up! A tall guy, wearing a tweed suit walks in. His almost black hair swept to one side and black rimmed glasses. He juggles what looks like a pile of encyclopaedias in his arms. The top book threatens to slide off while he tries to balance them as he gets through the heavy door.

I walk over to their table and set the saucer down for Lois’ friend.

Hi, here’s your espresso, are you here to study too?”

“Yes! I’m here to fight for truth and justice”

I make my excuses and walk away wondering … I’m sure that’s a Superman quote!

Writer’s Quote- Wednesdays Writer’s Challenge -“Strength”

 

I’m always looking for new ways of interacting with other bloggers and today, I came across a great post that is right up my street! I’m an avid lover of inspirational quotes so this really sparked my interest! So I obviously thought I’m joining in!

 

Inner Strength

In today’s world, with all the struggles we come across, each day gives us many challenges to face. We wake up to a new day with the fresh hope that it will go better than the day before. For some, it is a struggle to get up and know that today is the start of another fight, in loneliness with another long day to tackle and get through.  The day can start well, routines go smoothly. The small tasks like breakfast, showering and getting dressed, sorting the children ready for school and getting out the house on time are a struggle but for now, it feels like time is on our side. We manage to get through the day and then Bam! A thought, feeling or memory will hit us straight in the face with an almighty slap and you’re transported back into the past, flashes of that memory that has changed your whole world.

You may stare off into space as the memory forces you to blink back tears, frustration, anger, ridicule, embarrassment and the paranoia that is the new life of anxiety. It makes you face things you don’t want to see. You have to carry on your day because people are relying on you and need you. You want to go into the safe house of your home where you want to stay forever to not have to go out and face the world because of the fear that people will ask how you are. Again, you smile and say “I’m really good. Thank you. How are you?” Your answer is a conversation stopper as you know that to admit your feelings will open the floodgates of tears, of sadness, struggles and trauma that no-one knows about. The admittance that you struggle, sometimes to even get up and face the day, get ready in the morning is a weakness. You do your best to avoid people. You walk with your head down,  to avoid conversation. Sometimes,  it’s just too hard to force yourself to face the reality.

With this in mind and all the other jumble of thoughts and feelings coursing through our mind, temporarily we get up and carry on. We know it is the only way to get through each day. Children need looking after the house needs tidying. We do our best to carry on, with the light switch to that part of our past turned off so we can continue the struggles of today and all we have to get through.

People don’t know!

They have no idea!

We choose to not tell them!

We don’t want to show our weaknesses!

We don’t want them to know our struggles!

We don’t tell them because we want to protect ourselves!

The issues we have dealt with or situations that have caused us to totally cut ourselves off from people when we used to be sociable is our business and to speak out is to admit we struggle. The hardest part is knowing that the people we can talk to have their own problems and to unburden ourselves would burden others! We don’t want sympathy, or pity as we feel to receive it reflects a weakness in us. We are strong! Always! We are still here and we are still fighting! All in all, it is our pasts and experiences that have made who we are today! We are strong because we have to be but most of all it’s the struggles that we faced that have made us strong! We have had to fight hard to continue each day in this world. We won’t give up because to give up will mean we failed and decided we no longer want to fight!

The reality is that people want to help, they want to be there to help us and to support us. They want us to unburden ourselves and to feel release from sharing what we keep as our inner most kept secrets.

In the hardship we face, the people who let us down repeatedly but we continue to expose ourselves to are the very people who weaken us. They are a disease that spreads wildly without us knowing it is happening. It happens silently until you realise it is too late and that realisation is the biggest shock you would ever feel and experience! You then have to come to terms that everything you ever did for that person was in kindness but they were only using you, making themselves appear weak and taking continually without an inch of conscience. They make everyone around them believe what they want them to think. They are cunning, deceitful but very clever. They can turn people against their inner belief and make you seem to be someone you’re not. Once you come face to face to your silent destroyer, someone you didn’t even realise was a threat to your life and someone you trusted impeccably you face life very differently. Everyone becomes the enemy because the paranoia takes over daily! It is inevitable that it will happen. However, not everyone is an enemy, but how do we realise who are?  How do we realise who we can trust?. We don’t so we have to continue to go through daily experiences and exposing our delicate selves to new people. Sometimes you come across someone who was always there but you never realised how much they were there! 

As Will Smith quoted:

“Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling, some people are just better at hiding it than others.” – Will Smith

 

It’s time to speak out! Share your inner thoughts of depression and anxiety. When you trust yourself, the only person you can truly rely on, you find a small piece of yourself becomes repaired tiny bit by tiny bit … continue to share and one day you will become whole again!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Everyday Inspiration Day 1: I Write Because …

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In the late evening when everyone is in bed, I can switch off my mind to the everyday routine and open my mind to writing and inspirations…

I can open my heart to an open book, with blank pages waiting to be filled. I can express more freely and get out onto the white crisp paper the thoughts that cloud my mind.

I can unload the images of doubt and procrastination and fill the page with the inspiration that is fighting to get out in the open and wait to be read.

The words from a story that my lips have not spoken but stay sealed within my clouded mind. They tell a story unbeknown to friends and family.

The secrets kept within are freed and tension is released with each word as it falls through ink onto paper. Thoughts and secrets are told to people that I do not know because secrets told to people close to me would not want to be heard.

It is a waterfall of emotion, a glass full of liquid tales waiting to be poured. A new way to release the tension built within my soul.

As the words tumble from the mind, a new profound belief is born. I am worthy of being listened to. I can tell a tale of hope and dreams. I may be good at the pen to the paper task of writing and it may become a craft I can perform, create, evolve and succeed.

In time the words will be read and understood and the weight will be lifted … Time will be the book of truth and will be everlasting until earth befalls death and no longer lives on.