What No One Tells You About Anxiety

bj880xye9t.jpg

Anxiety is the fear of the unknown!

It grips your chest and squeezes every little bit of breathe out of your body. It clenches around your heart and makes you paranoid and scared.

Anxiety. It invades every pore on a bad day making the simplest of tasks hard.

A happy thought can turn to worry and paranoia. Your feelings crash against each other in their own personal battle.

It makes daily routines and simple tasks like the school run feel like a marathon you’re not fit enough to tackle. A fear rises and the dread is like a wall blocking your way forward.

You worry people are watching and judging you so it is easier to stay in.

It can have you pacing the floor wearing out your carpet as the fear bubbles and escapes into a cry.

Your mind takes over and mixes your feelings up like a tornado of debris crashing around your brain.

Then the panic attack happens, you try to talk about your feelings but the words don’t come out, you stumble on words and sentences come a jumbled mess as the fear takes hold and squashes any brave thoughts you had.

Isolation takes hold. The friends visit less and become people from the past. The odd nod in the street as you pass, compared to the strong friendship who you had and who you shared secrets with.

You get invited out for a coffee which you really want to do but something happens in the morning that catches you off guard and suddenly the coffee you were looking forward to is just a bitter taste in your mouth.

Slowly friends stop contacting you because they think you’re avoiding them but don’t ask why, they assume you’re rude or you are not the person they thought they knew.

They think their feelings about you are right when really they are far from the truth.

Anxiety will break you unless you fight it!

The daily fight is real!

It’s time to talk!

Madison Ward

The Silent Destroyer!

cb08b15d549e5b94795f82e772d70817.jpg

I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I got totally sucked in! Sucked into the life of gossip! Something I never was or had been but something I had become.

‘Don’t be a Bitch Witch’ … It’s a saying that I’ve used in recent months where I look back to times where I got sucked into a comedy coven of hatred!

How did I get sucked in? … I was working in a lonely job, you make a friend and they become a saviour to your life and suddenly your good friends! You make a friend through work, at the gym and the good ole’ mummy friends.

The gossiping became a slow progression from the odd comment of something you had heard and passed on to a  couple of years later and you’re a totally different person you once was. This is where you take a step back. Once you realised after a few weeks that you are no long the person you were,  you do the drastic thing of separating yourself from that life.

I’ve always been a kind, generous person and all always help people but when I stepped back I saw so many things I didn’t like and ways in which I was used and treated that you kind of feel detached from it. Like it wasn’t you it happened to. Some people can become so disallusioned that they don’t even realise they are the person that made you who you are today. Realise it and do something. Don’t be the person that is always taken from but when you need someone to be there for you, your left on your own. This was the heartbreaking thing for me. That I was always there for others but they were there when I really needed them. One friend was and I am very grateful for her friendship at the time.

It’s a case of ‘I’m the person you can take advantage of! Here is a list of ways to abuse me!’

  1. When I offer my help out of the kindness of my heart, take it and abuse it! But don’t forget to NOT say thanks!
  2. When I offer to have your child overnight … Make sure you take your time collecting them in the morning! I will get up ready for 9am but of course I don’t mind waiting in until 12 o’clock, cancel my plans and rearrange when you will do it again!
  3. When I come over to visit, make sure you interrupt me when I open my heart with things I need to get off my chest! It’s fine to talk over me too! Thats a new ‘thing’.
  4. When you need help with something, call me! You know I will do it for free!
  5. Don’t forget you have certain friends for certain things! The festival friend, The cinema friend, the workout buddy, the take away friend you wouldn’t be seen out with and of course the friend you can take the piss out off and laugh at who will laugh at herself with you!
  6. Don’t forget to bark on about the fat friend that makes you look skinny!

How did I not see what i was turning into?  The fact is you don’t see until your connection with that person is broken. It’s not that I was desperate for friends because I wasn’t. I have plenty of friends who I’m close to who even after years of not seeing them are still there as if time was frozen! I much prefer to circulate in small groups but there are always those people who give off  a persona that people want to like and once your sucked in you don’t see it.

After the ‘separation’ due to health issues you then go through the whole drama of the gossiping about you. You find out people have assumed you have fallen out, not talking or don’t meet up anymore when in fact it is probably that due to health reasons it wasn’t possible to meet in those situations any more.

These people then assume your avoiding them when in fact it’s just life or your health has changed. The way people treat you most certainly affects the way you deal with day to day life. Everything changes when your health deteriorates. Everything becomes much harder and when your friends are not there, it hurts! The friends you once had now become acquaintances or someone you once knew. They ‘think’ they know why you no longer meet up but never actually ask why. They discuss and make up their own minds for themselves without actually doing the decent thing and ask. If you are in this position and have a friend who has become distant, do the right thing and ask. You never know what personal demons someone is dealing with that can change the way they interact with people.

My advice to you! If you feel uncomfortable by something a friend says and your not in a position to tell them the truth without them totally flipping on you, don’t tell them! Don’t tell them personal details of your life! Share less and don’t tell them things you wouldn’t want your enemy knowing … you can sure as hell guarantee they will break your confidence!

Then there are the friends who make you see sense, they are the ones that are there when you need them. They are there when you are at your lowest point with anxiety and health problems. They are the ones to trust!

So what is the silent destroyer? It is ‘The untold truth!’

Madison

Memories of Mum

f1f908b3df3719832acbffb9334fb966a1b1.jpg

 

I lost my Mum when I was 31 years old, my daughter was 4 and my son was 8 months old and it still hurts like hell! People say it gets easier but they lie! It doesn’t get easier at all, you just learn to live life differently.

She wasn’t just my Mum, she was my best friend and I loved her with all my heart. Life without your parents is so hard but you really don’t understand how hard until it happens to you. I’m the first to loose Mum in my circle of friends so none of them really understand how hard it is. They can’t really console me so I don’t talk about her.

When Mum was with us, we all used to check on her often as she was very poorly during the last 15 years of her life with a long list of ailments we used to roll our eyes at. But we loved her. She was such a kind and loving lady who would always be there to listen to your problems while secretly needing to talk to someone herself. She loved all her children and stepchildren as well as all the grandchildren. Mum and Dad were both married before so we were a big family. Unfortunately I don’t see any of dad’s children, my half brothers and sister, nieces and nephews and I guess if I walked pasted them in the street they wouldn’t know who I was. In fact I have. I’ve said hello to two of my brothers on separate occasions and neither of them knew who I was. Just a polite unacknowledged nod. My Mum cared about everyone. She remembered everyone and never left anyone out. To the day she died she saved every penny she had to be able to buy gifts for all the grandchildren, even the ones she never saw but not by her choice.  It upset her not seeing them. Once Dad died the visits almost completely stopped which pained her. Which was why it was so important she got to see her grandchildren regularly, I didn’t want my children to not know who their Nanny was. They saw her twice a week without fail. I made sure of that.

The day I lost my Mum was a Sunday. I got woken up at 5.30am when my sister called to tell me that Mum was in hospital with a suspected stroke. I got dressed straight away and drove myself to the hospital to see my Mum. My thoughts were she would get better and we would help look after her no matter what it took … She was too young to die at 67 and leave us. She needed to live to hold and love her grandchildren and see them grow up.

When I arrived I was very shocked at seeing her looking so ill. My sister had called an ambulance durning the night when she had heard a low, deep grunting noise she thought was Mum’s cat Pepsi but was in fact Mum. She checked her and knew it was a stroke just by looking at her. She couldn’t talk or speak. We don’t know how long she was laying on her bedroom floor for but we think she was trying to get to my sister for help, who was sleeping in the other room. My sister has told me she feels terrible for not getting there sooner and we told her not to worry that she couldn’t do anything more. It was the middle of the night. She was living with Mum due to a breakdown with her marriage. We just are thankful that she heard her.

She was very poorly and I could tell that by looking at her. After we took turns to speak to Mum we left her to be transferred to the ward to await a bed on the high dependancy ward. Everyone was tired as they had been there all night. I wasn’t called until later in the morning … being the youngest of four children I wasn’t to be worried!

We were all sat next to Mum, around her bed with the curtains pulled round to give us some privacy. This was ironic really as everyone in the beds could hear us talking. We asked for a side room but there wasn’t one available but as soon as there was she would be moved there. We had to prepare ourselves for the worse as the doctors told us she wouldn’t make it. The CAT scan showed she had banged her head which caused a clot to form on her brain in a place that couldn’t be operated on. It was the end for Mum and we should all prepare ourselves.

I was upset as was my sister and brother’s but we sat and waiting, just talking amongst ourselves in hushed tones while remembering the things Mum would say. We tried to not face the fact that in the next few days Mum would pass away to go to heaven and join Dad. It was just a matter of time.

My brother and sister had been there since the night before so decided that they should go to the cafe to get something to eat and drink. We went to the cafe and got a coffee and sandwich. I just sat there while we chatted about mundane things like work and the children. That was the moment my world changed! I felt selfish because of it.

My brother’s girlfriend came running into the cafe and said, ‘You need to come quickly, it’s your Mum!’ We all jumped up, abandoned our drinks and food and followed as we all ran up the long corridor to the ward where we left Mum and my brother and wife.

We were took into a side room, it was all quiet and my brother said, “She’s gone! She was quiet and when I checked her, she wasn’t breathing. I was holding her hand”.

In that moment my world began to spin. I cuddled my brothers and sister. I didn’t cry. I was strong. I wasn’t going to cry in front of people even my siblings. I just don’t cry in front of people. Ever! No matter what the circumstances.

We were led into the ward where they had left Mum in the same position as when we went for a coffee. We all went to her and gave her a kiss and said goodbye. Then we left her there. On her own. I regret that. I wish I had stayed there longer. I didn’t want to leave her on her own. She was always on her own. I only left because everyone else did. When I used to go to visit Mum on a Saturday I would go for hours to spend time with her and once my sister moved in I spent a little less time there as I knew she had company.

I miss you Mum and the day you died was the worst of my life.

There has been many times that I’ve needed you to talk to. I wish you were still here and the thing that pains me the most is you never met or knew my youngest child. That hurts so much.

 

 

Daily Prompt – Twinkle

My Brightest Stars!

06b3688bf6e68f195dd299922219f91e

When I saw the prompt was twinkle, I knew I had to participate. I have unfortunately lost both my parents and miss them terribly. Whenever I look up to the sky I look for the brightest stars and remember my parents.

No matter how old we are there is always a time when we are still that young child reliant on our Mum. There has been many time recently I have really needed to have a ‘chat’ and to know that they are proud of me.

This is written for them xx

Twinkling lights, in the sky,

How I watch you while I lie.

In my dreams I see my Mum,

Her very quick death, did really stun!

❤️

She is missed, by all of us

She would say don’t make a fuss

‘I can see you, from the sky’

‘Talk to me, please don’t cry’

❤️

‘We see you live your lives by day’

‘We see you also, at night prey’

‘Wipe your sadness away my child,’

‘Today I saw my grandchild smile’

❤️

We had no time to say goodbye

For that I give, a very sad sigh

I want you to know, I miss you every day

I wish I didn’t have to stay

❤️

‘I’m here with Dad, reunited again’

‘Living together without our pain’

‘We see your children grow and learn’

‘To hold them truly, we do yearn’

❤️

‘We’re proud of you our youngest child’

‘We see you when you smile’

‘Be happy around your children always’

‘Those wonderful children you do raise’

❤️

I love you both, Mum and Dad!

I promise not to be sad!

❤️

‘One day we will be together’

‘But for now, we send love forever!’

 

Writer’s Quote- Wednesdays Writer’s Challenge -“Strength”

 

I’m always looking for new ways of interacting with other bloggers and today, I came across a great post that is right up my street! Im an avid lover of inspirational quotes so this really sparked my interest! So I obviously thought I’m joining in!

Over on  Silver Threading – Fairy Whisperer , Coleen offers an open invitation to join her blogging event called “Writers Quote Wednesday Writing Challenge! #WQWWC

This weeks inspirational word is “Strength” You choose a quote by an author you admire write a post relating to this whether it be a poem, flash fiction or story using the weekly word as your inspiration.

Inner Strength

In todays world, with all the struggles we come across, each day gives us many challenges to face. We wake up to a new day with fresh hope that it will go better than the day before. For some it is a struggle to get up and know that today is the start of another fight, in loneliness with another long day to tackle and get through.  The day can start well, routines go smoothly. The small tasks like breakfast, showering and getting dressed, sorting the children ready for school and getting out the house on time are a struggle but for now it feels like time is on our side. We manage to get through the day and then Bam! A thought, feeling or memory will hit us straight in the face with an almighty slap and your transported back into the past, flashes of that memory that has changed your whole world.

You may stare off into space as the memory forces you to blink back tears, frustration, anger, ridicule, embarrassment and the paranoia that is the new life of anxiety. It make you face things you don’t want to see. You have to carry on your day because people are relying on you and need you. You want to go into the safe house of your home where you want to stay forever to not have to go out and face the world because of the fear that people will ask how you are. Again, you smile and say “I’m really good Thank you. How are you?” Your answer is a conversation stopper as you know that to admit your feelings will open the floodgates of years of sadness, struggles and trauma that no-one knows about. The admittance that you struggle, sometimes to even get up and face the day, get ready in the morning is a weakness. You do your best to avoid people. You walk with your head down,  to avoid conversation. Sometimes,  its just too hard to force yourself to face the reality.

With this in mind and all the other jumble of thoughts and feelings cursing through our minds, temporarily we get up and carry on. We know it is the only way to get through each day. Children need looking after the house needs tidying. We do our best to carry on, with the light switch to that part of our past turned off so we can continue the struggles of today and all we have to get through.

People don’t know!

They have no idea!

We choose to not tell them!

We don’t want to show our weaknesses!

We don’t want them to know our struggles!

We don’t tell them because we want to protect ourselves!

The  issues we have dealt with or situations that have caused us to totally cut ourselves off from people when we used to be sociable is our business and to speak out is to admit we struggle. The hardest part is knowing that the people we can talk to have their own problems and to unburden ourselves would burden others! We don’t want sympathy, or pity as we feel to receive it, reflects a weakness in us. We are strong! Always! We are still here and we are still fighting! All in all it is our pasts and experiences that have made who we are today! We are strong because we have to be but most of all it the struggles that we faced that has made us strong! We have had to fight hard to continue each day in this world. We won’t give up because to give up will mean we failed and decided we no longer want to fight!

The reality is that people want to help, they want to be there to help us and to support us. They want us to unburden ourselves and to feel release from sharing what we keep as our inner most kept secrets.

In the hardship we face, the people who let us down repeatedly but we continue to expose ourselves to are the very people who weaken us. They are a disease that spreads wildly without us knowing it is happening. It happens silently until you realise it is too late and that realisation is the biggest shock you would ever feel and experience! You then have to come to terms that everything you ever did for that person was in kindness but they were only using you, making themselves appear weak and taking continually without an inch of conscience. They make everyone around them believe what they want them to think. They are cunning, deceitful but very clever. They can turn people against their inner belief and make you seem to be someone your not. Once you come face to face to your silent destroyer, someone you didn’t even realise was a threat to your life and someone you trusted impeccably you face life very differently. Everyone becomes the enemy because the Paranoia takes over daily! It is inevitable that it will happen. However, not everyone is an enemy, but how do we realise who are?  How do we realise who we can trust?. We don’t so we have to continue to go through daily experiences and exposing our delicate selves to new people. Sometimes you come across someone who was always there but you never realised how much they were there! 

As Will Smith quoted:

“Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling, some people are just better at hiding it than others.” – Will Smith

 

It’s time to speak out! Share your inner thoughts of depression and anxiety. When you trust yourself, the only person you can truly rely on, you find a small piece of yourself becomes repaired tiny bit by tiny bit … continue to share and one day you will become whole gain!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Everyday Inspiration Day 1: I Write Because …

image

 

In the late evening when everyone is in bed, I can switch off my mind to the everyday routine and open my mind to writing and inspirations…

I can open my heart into an open book, with blank pages waiting to be filled. I can express more freely and get out onto the white crisp paper the thoughts that cloud my mind.

I can unload the images of doubt and procrastination and fill the page with the inspiration that is fighting to get out in the open and wait to be read.

The words form a story that my lips have not spoken but stay sealed within my clouded mind. They tell a story unbeknown to friends and family.

The secrets kept within are freed and tension is released with each word as it falls through ink onto paper. Thoughts and secrets are told to people that I do not know because secrets told to people close to me would not want to be heard.

It is a waterfall of emotion, a glass full of liquid tales waiting to be poured. A new way to release the tension built within my soul.

As the words tumble from the mind, a new profound belief is born. I am worthy of being listened to. I can tell a tale of hope and dreams. I may be good at the pen to paper task of writing and it may become a craft I can perform, create, evolve and succeed.

In time the words will be read and understood and the weight will be lifted … Time will be the book of truth and will be everlasting until earth befalls death and no longer lives on.