Daily Prompt – Dear Diary…

IMG_9679.PNG

Dear Diary …

Monday

So, I’m writing this right now as I can’t wait until I go to bed!  I just got home from school! It was amazing! He was so lovely and said he would walk me home! EEk! I can’t believe he likes me! I’m in the year below him too. He is my new love! I think I really like him!

Tuesday

I got to school this morning and Josh came straight over. He didn’t even bring his friends over to me to say hi but I don’t care! I told him I was going to the park after school tomorrow and asked if he wanted to come! He said yes!

Wednesday

We went to the park today. Josh met me at the playground gates. I thought he wasn’t going to come but when I saw all his mates leave I realised he must have had detention. He is always in trouble. I don’t care though. I don’t like his mates much though. They are always sniggering! Sometimes I feel like it’s at me but I really like him! So I ignore them. Maybe they are jealous! We went to the park and just sat and talked! He plays football. He is so cute! Afterwards, he walked me home because it started to get dark. We didn’t kiss yet. I wonder when we will?

Thursday

I told Josh I would meet him at the school gates today but he didn’t turn up! I was so vexed! He said he would come but I saw him leave with his stupid mates! I hate them! They all laughed when they left. Josh didn’t though. He smiled at me and shrugged. I guess he just feels like he can’t show me he likes me because he’s too embarrassed in front of them.

Friday

OMG!! I cant believe what happened today! Eek! I went to the park with Josh and we kissed! It was a full-on snog too! Tongues and everything! He’s a really good kisser! I hope he likes me because I don’t kiss just anyone! Well, he’s the only one I’ve ever kissed that I’ve liked. I do like him! He is gorgeous! I can’t wait until tomorrow! I want to kiss him all the time! I’m going to the park to meet him again tomorrow. I’m so excited I won’t be able to sleep.

Saturday

I’m so upset! He didn’t come!

Sunday

I have to go shopping with Mum! I hate shopping and I bet I will miss Josh! I was going to go to the park in case he turns up and got the day wrong! Now I can’t!

Monday

Josh said he was really sorry that he didn’t come. I forgave him! We went to the shops and got ice creams. Afterwards, we went to the park. We were the only ones there. I let Josh feel my boobs too. He undid my school shirt. I was so embarrassed because he got my boob right out! I was really turned on though so didn’t want to stop him. He just did it. But I guess I didn’t stop him and I could have if I wanted him to.

Tuesday

I got to school today and Josh ignored me! I’m so upset. Maybe my boobs were not big enough. I don’t know. I thought he really liked me. I wouldn’t have let him do that if I knew. I’m not going to talk to him tomorrow! I’m starting to wonder why I even liked him in the first place!

Wednesday

I went over to Josh today and asked him why he ignored me yesterday and he just laughed at me with his mates. They were all laughing and sniggering and whispering! I feel so stupid! He was obviously using me! I hate him!

Thursday

I hate him!!!! When I got to school EVERYONE was pointing and laughing at me!  I saw they were laughing at their phones. Mia said she had seen the photo of me and called me a whore! What have I done?

Friday

How am I ever going to go back to school again? Everyone has seen it! Josh’s mates took a picture of me. I’m so embarrassed. I’m never going back to school! I can’t face them all laughing at me!

Saturday

I saw the picture on Snapchat! I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!

Friday

I’m never going back!

I know what I have to do!

I have to do it!

750 words.

… … … … … …

 

Bullying can happen to anyone.

Name calling, hurting, Cyber-bullying and by text.

These days, children are exposed to bullying threats daily. Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook. These are the worst! A photo taken in an instant will be shared within minutes of it being captured and will spread just as rapidly

It’s almost time for schools to go back as the September term starts. In every school children have to endure bullies and evil children that take advantage of them at any opportunity.

If you do one thing when preparing your child for the new term, teach them this. BE KIND, ALWAYS! 

As their parents, let’s put a STOP to bullying by teaching them how significant these three little words are.

 

 

What No One Tells You About Anxiety

bj880xye9t.jpg

Anxiety is the fear of the unknown!

It grips your chest and squeezes every little bit of breath out of your body. It clenches around your heart and makes you paranoid and scared.

Anxiety. It invades every pore on a bad day making the simplest of tasks hard.

A happy thought can turn to worry and paranoia. Your feelings crash against each other in their own personal battle.

It makes daily routines and simple tasks like the school run feel like a marathon you’re not fit enough to tackle. A fear rises and the dread is like a wall blocking your way forward.

You worry people are watching and judging you so it is easier to stay in.

It can have you pacing the floor wearing out your carpet as the fear bubbles and escapes into a cry.

Your mind takes over and mixes your feelings up like a tornado of debris crashing around your brain.

Then the panic attack happens, you try to talk about your feelings but the words don’t come out, you stumble on words and sentences come to a jumbled mess as the fear takes hold and squashes any brave thoughts you had.

Isolation takes hold. The friends visit less and become people from the past. The odd nod in the street as you pass, compared to the strong friendship who you had and who you shared secrets with.

You get invited out for a coffee which you really want to do but something happens in the morning that catches you off guard and suddenly the coffee you were looking forward to is just a bitter taste in your mouth.

Slowly friends stop contacting you because they think you’re avoiding them but don’t ask why they assume you’re rude or you are not the person they thought they knew.

They think their feelings about you are right when really they are far from the truth.

Anxiety will break you unless you fight it!

The daily fight is real!

It’s time to talk!

Madison Ward

The Silent Destroyer!

cb08b15d549e5b94795f82e772d70817.jpg

I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I got totally sucked in! Sucked into the life of gossip! Something I never was or had been but something I had become.

‘Don’t be a Bitch Witch’ … It’s a saying that I’ve used in recent months where I look back to times where I got sucked into a comedy coven of hatred!

How did I get sucked in? … I was working in a lonely job, you make a friend and they become a saviour to your life and suddenly your good friends! You make a friend through work, at the gym and the good ole’ mummy friends.

The gossiping became a slow progression from the odd comment about something you had heard and passed on to a  couple of years later and you’re a totally different person you once were. This is where you take a step back. Once you realised after a few weeks that you are no longer the person you were,  you do the drastic thing of separating yourself from that life.

I’ve always been a kind, generous person and all always help people but when I stepped back I saw so many things I didn’t like and ways in which I was used and treated that you kind of feel detached from it. Like it wasn’t me it happened to. Some people can become so disillusioned that they don’t even realise they are the person that made you who you are today. Realise it and do something. Don’t be the person that is always taken from but when you need someone to be there for you, your left on your own. This was the heartbreaking thing for me. That I was always there for others but they were there when I really needed them. One friend was and I am very grateful for her friendship at the time.

How did I not see what I was turning into?  The fact is you don’t see until your connection with that person is broken. It’s not that I was desperate for friends because I wasn’t. I have plenty of friends who I’m close to who even after years of not seeing them is still there as if time was frozen! I much prefer to circulate in small groups but there are always those people who give off a persona that people want to like and once you get sucked in you don’t see it.

After the ‘separation’ due to health issues you then go through the whole drama of the gossiping about you. You find out people have assumed you have fallen out, not talking or don’t meet up anymore when in fact it is probable that due to health reasons it wasn’t possible to meet in those situations anymore.

These people then assume you’re avoiding them when in fact it’s just life or your health has changed. The way people treat you most certainly affects the way you deal with day to day life. Everything changes when your health deteriorates. Everything becomes much harder and when your friends are not there, it hurts! The friends you once had now become acquaintances or someone you once knew. They ‘think’ they know why you no longer meet up but never actually ask why. They discuss and make up their own minds for themselves without actually doing the decent thing and ask. If you are in this position and have a friend who has become distant, do the right thing and ask. You never know what personal demons someone is dealing with that can change the way they interact with people.

My advice to you! If you feel uncomfortable by something a friend says and you’re not in a position to tell them the truth without them totally flipping on you, don’t tell them! Don’t tell them personal details of your life! Share less and don’t tell them things you wouldn’t want your enemy knowing … you can sure as hell guarantee they will break your confidence!

Then there are the friends who make you see sense, they are the ones that are there when you need them. They are there when you are at your lowest point with anxiety and health problems. They are the ones to trust!

So what is the silent destroyer? It is ‘The untold truth!’

 

Madison

Memories of Mum

f1f908b3df3719832acbffb9334fb966a1b1.jpg

 

I lost my Mum when I was 31 years old, my daughter was 4 and my son was 8 months old and it still hurts like hell! People say it gets easier but they lie! It doesn’t get easier at all, you just learn to live life differently.

She wasn’t just my Mum, she was my best friend and I loved her with all my heart. Life without your parents is so hard but you really don’t understand how hard until it happens to you. I’m the first to lose Mum in my circle of friends so none of them really understand how hard it is. They can’t really console me so I don’t talk about her.

When Mum was with us, we all used to check on her often as she was very poorly during the last 15 years of her life with a long list of ailments we used to roll our eyes at. But we loved her. She was such a kind and loving lady who would always be there to listen to your problems while secretly needing to talk to someone herself. She loved all her children and stepchildren as well as all the grandchildren. Mum and Dad were both married before so we were a big family. Unfortunately, I don’t see any of dad’s children, my half brothers and sister, nieces and nephews and I guess if I walked passed them in the street they wouldn’t know who I was. In fact, I have. I’ve said hello to two of my nephews on separate occasions and neither of them knew who I was. Just a polite unacknowledged nod. My Mum cared about everyone. She remembered everyone and never left anyone out. To the day she died she saved every penny she had to be able to buy gifts for all the grandchildren, even the ones she never saw but not by her choice.  It upset her not seeing them. Once Dad died the visits almost completely stopped which pained her. Which was why it was so important she got to see her grandchildren regularly, I didn’t want my children to not know who their Nanny was. They saw her twice a week without fail. I made sure of that.

The day I lost my Mum was a Sunday. I got woken up at 5.30am when my sister called to tell me that Mum was in the hospital with a suspected stroke. I got dressed straight away and drove myself to the hospital to see my Mum. My thoughts were she would get better and we would help look after her no matter what it took … She was too young to die at 67 and leave us. She needed to live to hold and love her grandchildren and see them grow up.

When I arrived I was very shocked at seeing her looking so ill. My sister had called an ambulance during the night when she had heard a low, deep grunting noise she thought was Mum’s cat Pepsi but was in fact, Mum. She checked her and knew it was a stroke just by looking at her. She couldn’t move or speak. We don’t know how long she was laying on her bedroom floor for but we think she was trying to get to my sister for help, who was sleeping in the other room. My sister has told me she feels terrible for not getting there sooner and we told her not to worry that she couldn’t do anything more. It was the middle of the night. She was living with Mum due to personal circumstances. We just are thankful that she heard her. We got to say goodbye.

She was very poorly and I could tell that by looking at her. After we took turns to speak to Mum we left her to be transferred to the ward to await a bed on the high dependency ward. Everyone was tired as they had been there all night. I wasn’t called until later in the morning … being the youngest of four children I wasn’t to be worried!

We were all sat next to Mum, around her bed with the curtains pulled round to give us some privacy. This was ironic really as everyone in the beds could hear us talking. We asked for a side room but there wasn’t one available but as soon as there was she would be moved there. We had to prepare ourselves for the worse as the doctors told us she wouldn’t make it. The CAT scan showed she had banged her head which caused a clot to form in her brain in a place that couldn’t be operated on. It was the end for Mum and we should all prepare ourselves.

I was upset as was my sister and brother’s but we sat and waited, just talking amongst ourselves in hushed tones while remembering the things Mum would say. We tried to not face the fact that in the next few days Mum would pass away to go to heaven and join Dad. It was just a matter of time.

My brother and sister had been there since the night before so decided that they should go to the cafe to get something to eat and drink. We went to the cafe and got a coffee and sandwich. I just sat there while we chatted about mundane things like work and the children. That was the moment my world changed! I felt selfish because of it.

My brother’s girlfriend came running into the cafe and said, ‘You need to come quickly, it’s your Mum!’ We all jumped up, abandoned our drinks and food and followed as we all ran up the long corridor to the ward where we left Mum, my brother and wife.

We were taken into a side room, it was all quiet and my brother said, “She’s gone! She was quiet and when I checked her, she wasn’t breathing. I was holding her hand”.

In that moment my world began to spin. I cuddled my brothers and sister. I didn’t cry. I was strong. I wasn’t going to cry in front of people even my siblings. I just don’t cry in front of people. Ever! No matter what the circumstances.

We were led into the ward where they had left Mum in the same position as when we went for a coffee. We all went to her and gave her a kiss and said goodbye. Then we left her there. On her own. I regret that. I wish I had stayed there longer. I didn’t want to leave her on her own. She was always on her own. I only left because everyone else did. When I used to go to visit Mum on a Saturday I would go for hours to spend time with her and once my sister moved in I spent a little less time there as I knew she had company.

I miss you Mum and the day you died was the worst of my life.

There have been many times that I’ve needed you to talk to. I wish you were still here and the thing that pains me the most is you never met or knew my youngest child. That hurts so much.

 

 

Daily Prompt – Twinkle

My Brightest Stars!

06b3688bf6e68f195dd299922219f91e

When I saw the prompt was twinkle, I knew I had to participate. I have unfortunately lost both my parents and miss them terribly. Whenever I look up to the sky I look for the brightest stars and remember my parents.

No matter how old we are there is always a time when we are still that young child reliant on our Mum. There has been much time recently I have really needed to have a ‘chat’ and to know that they are proud of me.

This is written for them xx

Twinkling lights, in the sky,

How I watch you while I lie.

In my dreams, I see my Mum,

Her very quick death did really stun!

❤️

She is missed, by all of us

She would say don’t make a fuss

‘I can see you, from the sky’

‘Talk to me, please don’t cry’

❤️

‘We see you live your lives by day’

‘We see you also, at night pray’

‘Wipe your sadness away my child,’

‘Today I saw my grandchild smile’

❤️

We had no time to say goodbye

For that I give, a very sad sigh

I want you to know, I miss you every day

I wish I didn’t have to stay

❤️

‘I’m here with Dad, reunited again’

‘Living together without our pain’

‘We see your children grow and learn’

‘To hold them truly, we do yearn’

❤️

‘We’re proud of you, our youngest child’

‘We see you when you smile’

‘Be happy around your children always’

‘Those wonderful children you do raise’

❤️

I love you both, Mum and Dad!

I promise not to be sad!

❤️

‘One day we will be together’

‘But for now, we send love forever!’

 

Writer’s Quote- Wednesdays Writer’s Challenge -“Strength”

 

I’m always looking for new ways of interacting with other bloggers and today, I came across a great post that is right up my street! I’m an avid lover of inspirational quotes so this really sparked my interest! So I obviously thought I’m joining in!

 

Inner Strength

In today’s world, with all the struggles we come across, each day gives us many challenges to face. We wake up to a new day with the fresh hope that it will go better than the day before. For some, it is a struggle to get up and know that today is the start of another fight, in loneliness with another long day to tackle and get through.  The day can start well, routines go smoothly. The small tasks like breakfast, showering and getting dressed, sorting the children ready for school and getting out the house on time are a struggle but for now, it feels like time is on our side. We manage to get through the day and then Bam! A thought, feeling or memory will hit us straight in the face with an almighty slap and you’re transported back into the past, flashes of that memory that has changed your whole world.

You may stare off into space as the memory forces you to blink back tears, frustration, anger, ridicule, embarrassment and the paranoia that is the new life of anxiety. It makes you face things you don’t want to see. You have to carry on your day because people are relying on you and need you. You want to go into the safe house of your home where you want to stay forever to not have to go out and face the world because of the fear that people will ask how you are. Again, you smile and say “I’m really good. Thank you. How are you?” Your answer is a conversation stopper as you know that to admit your feelings will open the floodgates of tears, of sadness, struggles and trauma that no-one knows about. The admittance that you struggle, sometimes to even get up and face the day, get ready in the morning is a weakness. You do your best to avoid people. You walk with your head down,  to avoid conversation. Sometimes,  it’s just too hard to force yourself to face the reality.

With this in mind and all the other jumble of thoughts and feelings coursing through our mind, temporarily we get up and carry on. We know it is the only way to get through each day. Children need looking after the house needs tidying. We do our best to carry on, with the light switch to that part of our past turned off so we can continue the struggles of today and all we have to get through.

People don’t know!

They have no idea!

We choose to not tell them!

We don’t want to show our weaknesses!

We don’t want them to know our struggles!

We don’t tell them because we want to protect ourselves!

The issues we have dealt with or situations that have caused us to totally cut ourselves off from people when we used to be sociable is our business and to speak out is to admit we struggle. The hardest part is knowing that the people we can talk to have their own problems and to unburden ourselves would burden others! We don’t want sympathy, or pity as we feel to receive it reflects a weakness in us. We are strong! Always! We are still here and we are still fighting! All in all, it is our pasts and experiences that have made who we are today! We are strong because we have to be but most of all it’s the struggles that we faced that have made us strong! We have had to fight hard to continue each day in this world. We won’t give up because to give up will mean we failed and decided we no longer want to fight!

The reality is that people want to help, they want to be there to help us and to support us. They want us to unburden ourselves and to feel release from sharing what we keep as our inner most kept secrets.

In the hardship we face, the people who let us down repeatedly but we continue to expose ourselves to are the very people who weaken us. They are a disease that spreads wildly without us knowing it is happening. It happens silently until you realise it is too late and that realisation is the biggest shock you would ever feel and experience! You then have to come to terms that everything you ever did for that person was in kindness but they were only using you, making themselves appear weak and taking continually without an inch of conscience. They make everyone around them believe what they want them to think. They are cunning, deceitful but very clever. They can turn people against their inner belief and make you seem to be someone you’re not. Once you come face to face to your silent destroyer, someone you didn’t even realise was a threat to your life and someone you trusted impeccably you face life very differently. Everyone becomes the enemy because the paranoia takes over daily! It is inevitable that it will happen. However, not everyone is an enemy, but how do we realise who are?  How do we realise who we can trust?. We don’t so we have to continue to go through daily experiences and exposing our delicate selves to new people. Sometimes you come across someone who was always there but you never realised how much they were there! 

As Will Smith quoted:

“Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling, some people are just better at hiding it than others.” – Will Smith

 

It’s time to speak out! Share your inner thoughts of depression and anxiety. When you trust yourself, the only person you can truly rely on, you find a small piece of yourself becomes repaired tiny bit by tiny bit … continue to share and one day you will become whole again!

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Everyday Inspiration Day 1: I Write Because …

image

 

In the late evening when everyone is in bed, I can switch off my mind to the everyday routine and open my mind to writing and inspirations…

I can open my heart to an open book, with blank pages waiting to be filled. I can express more freely and get out onto the white crisp paper the thoughts that cloud my mind.

I can unload the images of doubt and procrastination and fill the page with the inspiration that is fighting to get out in the open and wait to be read.

The words from a story that my lips have not spoken but stay sealed within my clouded mind. They tell a story unbeknown to friends and family.

The secrets kept within are freed and tension is released with each word as it falls through ink onto paper. Thoughts and secrets are told to people that I do not know because secrets told to people close to me would not want to be heard.

It is a waterfall of emotion, a glass full of liquid tales waiting to be poured. A new way to release the tension built within my soul.

As the words tumble from the mind, a new profound belief is born. I am worthy of being listened to. I can tell a tale of hope and dreams. I may be good at the pen to the paper task of writing and it may become a craft I can perform, create, evolve and succeed.

In time the words will be read and understood and the weight will be lifted … Time will be the book of truth and will be everlasting until earth befalls death and no longer lives on.