The Silent Destroyer!

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I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I got totally sucked in! Sucked into the life of gossip! Something I never was or had been but something I had become.

‘Don’t be a Bitch Witch’ … It’s a saying that I’ve used in recent months where I look back to times where I got sucked into a comedy coven of hatred!

How did I get sucked in? … I was working in a lonely job, you make a friend and they become a saviour to your life and suddenly your good friends! You make a friend through work, at the gym and the good ole’ mummy friends.

The gossiping became a slow progression from the odd comment of something you had heard and passed on to a  couple of years later and you’re a totally different person you once was. This is where you take a step back. Once you realised after a few weeks that you are no long the person you were,  you do the drastic thing of separating yourself from that life.

I’ve always been a kind, generous person and all always help people but when I stepped back I saw so many things I didn’t like and ways in which I was used and treated that you kind of feel detached from it. Like it wasn’t you it happened to. Some people can become so disallusioned that they don’t even realise they are the person that made you who you are today. Realise it and do something. Don’t be the person that is always taken from but when you need someone to be there for you, your left on your own. This was the heartbreaking thing for me. That I was always there for others but they were there when I really needed them. One friend was and I am very grateful for her friendship at the time.

It’s a case of ‘I’m the person you can take advantage of! Here is a list of ways to abuse me!’

  1. When I offer my help out of the kindness of my heart, take it and abuse it! But don’t forget to NOT say thanks!
  2. When I offer to have your child overnight … Make sure you take your time collecting them in the morning! I will get up ready for 9am but of course I don’t mind waiting in until 12 o’clock, cancel my plans and rearrange when you will do it again!
  3. When I come over to visit, make sure you interrupt me when I open my heart with things I need to get off my chest! It’s fine to talk over me too! Thats a new ‘thing’.
  4. When you need help with something, call me! You know I will do it for free!
  5. Don’t forget you have certain friends for certain things! The festival friend, The cinema friend, the workout buddy, the take away friend you wouldn’t be seen out with and of course the friend you can take the piss out off and laugh at who will laugh at herself with you!
  6. Don’t forget to bark on about the fat friend that makes you look skinny!

How did I not see what i was turning into?  The fact is you don’t see until your connection with that person is broken. It’s not that I was desperate for friends because I wasn’t. I have plenty of friends who I’m close to who even after years of not seeing them are still there as if time was frozen! I much prefer to circulate in small groups but there are always those people who give off  a persona that people want to like and once your sucked in you don’t see it.

After the ‘separation’ due to health issues you then go through the whole drama of the gossiping about you. You find out people have assumed you have fallen out, not talking or don’t meet up anymore when in fact it is probably that due to health reasons it wasn’t possible to meet in those situations any more.

These people then assume your avoiding them when in fact it’s just life or your health has changed. The way people treat you most certainly affects the way you deal with day to day life. Everything changes when your health deteriorates. Everything becomes much harder and when your friends are not there, it hurts! The friends you once had now become acquaintances or someone you once knew. They ‘think’ they know why you no longer meet up but never actually ask why. They discuss and make up their own minds for themselves without actually doing the decent thing and ask. If you are in this position and have a friend who has become distant, do the right thing and ask. You never know what personal demons someone is dealing with that can change the way they interact with people.

My advice to you! If you feel uncomfortable by something a friend says and your not in a position to tell them the truth without them totally flipping on you, don’t tell them! Don’t tell them personal details of your life! Share less and don’t tell them things you wouldn’t want your enemy knowing … you can sure as hell guarantee they will break your confidence!

Then there are the friends who make you see sense, they are the ones that are there when you need them. They are there when you are at your lowest point with anxiety and health problems. They are the ones to trust!

So what is the silent destroyer? It is ‘The untold truth!’

Madison

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Happy Thanksgiving to all my  friends over the pond.

I’ve woken up today in a happy mood. Whether that is because I slept well or if it’s because i hit 29’000 word count for my novel, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that I have a lot to be thank for. When it comes to life we have to be thankful to have our family and friends, a career that makes money to keep a roof over our heads and our health. we are alive so embrace it!

Here are my Top 5 things that today I am grateful for …

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Firstly, I am thankful for waking up this morning! We come across so many people through our lives who lose loved ones. So many of us have health problems or to daily issues to deal with in our lives that sometimes we forget the most important thing of all and thats that we are alive!

Today marks fifteen years since I lost my Dad to illness. He is always in my thoughts but today I am thankful for the memories I have of my parents.

 

 

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I am thankful for my health. My health isn’t the greatest to be honest. I struggle everyday with small tasks from drying my hair to walking up stairs. By allowing time to get ready in the morning and to work through the tasks of each day I am still thankful because my health could be worse! For now it is manageable.

 

 

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I’m thankful for my family and children. They are my world! They are always there when I need cheering up and to see their little faces smiling at me could warm a million hearts!

They are my little life angels to carry me. I love them with all my heart as I do my partner. Without them I wouldn’t be where I am today.

 

 

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I’m thankful for being able to read and write. This might seem like an odd thing to list as one of my five things to be grateful for but without these two very important things I wouldn’t be right here now writing this blog! I’m writing my first novel and without reading I wouldn’t know how to do that!

In a few months time you will hopefully be reading it!

 

 

 

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I’m thankful for coffee!

Well, Quite frankly … How would I get through the day without it?

Coffee is just Love in a mug!

….Unless of course you drink tea!

 

 

I challenge you to list your top five things your grateful for!

Writer’s Quote- Wednesdays Writer’s Challenge -“Strength”

 

I’m always looking for new ways of interacting with other bloggers and today, I came across a great post that is right up my street! Im an avid lover of inspirational quotes so this really sparked my interest! So I obviously thought I’m joining in!

Over on  Silver Threading – Fairy Whisperer , Coleen offers an open invitation to join her blogging event called “Writers Quote Wednesday Writing Challenge! #WQWWC

This weeks inspirational word is “Strength” You choose a quote by an author you admire write a post relating to this whether it be a poem, flash fiction or story using the weekly word as your inspiration.

Inner Strength

In todays world, with all the struggles we come across, each day gives us many challenges to face. We wake up to a new day with fresh hope that it will go better than the day before. For some it is a struggle to get up and know that today is the start of another fight, in loneliness with another long day to tackle and get through.  The day can start well, routines go smoothly. The small tasks like breakfast, showering and getting dressed, sorting the children ready for school and getting out the house on time are a struggle but for now it feels like time is on our side. We manage to get through the day and then Bam! A thought, feeling or memory will hit us straight in the face with an almighty slap and your transported back into the past, flashes of that memory that has changed your whole world.

You may stare off into space as the memory forces you to blink back tears, frustration, anger, ridicule, embarrassment and the paranoia that is the new life of anxiety. It make you face things you don’t want to see. You have to carry on your day because people are relying on you and need you. You want to go into the safe house of your home where you want to stay forever to not have to go out and face the world because of the fear that people will ask how you are. Again, you smile and say “I’m really good Thank you. How are you?” Your answer is a conversation stopper as you know that to admit your feelings will open the floodgates of years of sadness, struggles and trauma that no-one knows about. The admittance that you struggle, sometimes to even get up and face the day, get ready in the morning is a weakness. You do your best to avoid people. You walk with your head down,  to avoid conversation. Sometimes,  its just too hard to force yourself to face the reality.

With this in mind and all the other jumble of thoughts and feelings cursing through our minds, temporarily we get up and carry on. We know it is the only way to get through each day. Children need looking after the house needs tidying. We do our best to carry on, with the light switch to that part of our past turned off so we can continue the struggles of today and all we have to get through.

People don’t know!

They have no idea!

We choose to not tell them!

We don’t want to show our weaknesses!

We don’t want them to know our struggles!

We don’t tell them because we want to protect ourselves!

The  issues we have dealt with or situations that have caused us to totally cut ourselves off from people when we used to be sociable is our business and to speak out is to admit we struggle. The hardest part is knowing that the people we can talk to have their own problems and to unburden ourselves would burden others! We don’t want sympathy, or pity as we feel to receive it, reflects a weakness in us. We are strong! Always! We are still here and we are still fighting! All in all it is our pasts and experiences that have made who we are today! We are strong because we have to be but most of all it the struggles that we faced that has made us strong! We have had to fight hard to continue each day in this world. We won’t give up because to give up will mean we failed and decided we no longer want to fight!

The reality is that people want to help, they want to be there to help us and to support us. They want us to unburden ourselves and to feel release from sharing what we keep as our inner most kept secrets.

In the hardship we face, the people who let us down repeatedly but we continue to expose ourselves to are the very people who weaken us. They are a disease that spreads wildly without us knowing it is happening. It happens silently until you realise it is too late and that realisation is the biggest shock you would ever feel and experience! You then have to come to terms that everything you ever did for that person was in kindness but they were only using you, making themselves appear weak and taking continually without an inch of conscience. They make everyone around them believe what they want them to think. They are cunning, deceitful but very clever. They can turn people against their inner belief and make you seem to be someone your not. Once you come face to face to your silent destroyer, someone you didn’t even realise was a threat to your life and someone you trusted impeccably you face life very differently. Everyone becomes the enemy because the Paranoia takes over daily! It is inevitable that it will happen. However, not everyone is an enemy, but how do we realise who are?  How do we realise who we can trust?. We don’t so we have to continue to go through daily experiences and exposing our delicate selves to new people. Sometimes you come across someone who was always there but you never realised how much they were there! 

As Will Smith quoted:

“Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone is struggling, some people are just better at hiding it than others.” – Will Smith

 

It’s time to speak out! Share your inner thoughts of depression and anxiety. When you trust yourself, the only person you can truly rely on, you find a small piece of yourself becomes repaired tiny bit by tiny bit … continue to share and one day you will become whole gain!

Thanks for reading!