My Sweet Dreams Turned Into a Nightmare.

 

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It began when I went to bed. I had just finished a long stretch of writing for my book and realised it was gone midnight and knew I needed to get up early. This is normally where my problem starts. Im not good at going to bed and I’m really bad at waking up in he morning. When i’m tired my mind plays tricks o me.Having anxiety also doesn’t help.

Deciding I was too tired to write anymore, I  pack up the Macbook, I shut off the lights in my hallway and glanced at the glass fronted front door. This in itself was my first mistake. I will advise you to never, ever, look out of the window as you’re getting ready to go to bed. Especially when there are no curtains. I mean this when I say that I scare myself.  I’d just finished writing a particularly hard chapter in my book,without giving it away, a knife was involved. I sharp knife, I’m sure I need say no more. Well, I stood with forefinger paused on the light switch, bracing myself for the long run up the stairs… I liked from front door to the stairs… I flicked the light switch and bolted up the stairs. I always have that feeling of being watched and tonight was no exception. Do you get that?  You ‘feel’ a strong presence in the room and think someone is there. It’s watching you, through the window, from the dark outside. Don’t think about it just turn and run!

Tired legs that barely hold me up, or comfortably  carry me up the stairs ache as I reach the top where the safety is. Before going to bed, I walk to the bathroom clutching my chest as my heart threatens to beat outside my chest and brush my teeth. As I write this I am now realising how many windows in my house have no curtains. I really need to fix that!

I go to bed and spray my pillow with the lavender mist. Settle into bed and think of my partner, Phil. He is working away in Bristol this week so I’m already feeling a little nervous in the house on my own with just the children who I need to keep safe. Really? I guess I could set the little toddler on any burglar. I’m pretty sure she is braver than me and she can be pretty intense and scary at times!

I lay in bed as I feel myself drifting off to sleep and think of my accomplishments from the two chapters I have finished and think of the progress I’ve made as I’m falling asleep. I realise I can officially call myself a writer. I’m writing so that passes as a writer. I may not yet be a published author. Anyway, I’m drifting off to sleep. I’m relaxed and asleep dreaming of how my life may change once I publish my book. The kind of thoughts when you want to turn your life around for you and your family. You have doubts but keep pushing forward because until the book is written, it can’t be published. I think of publishing deals and meeting other fellow authors. I’m comfortable and snuggled into the warm quilt… ice and relaxed as I drift off to sleep… or so I thought.

Do you ever get that leg kick in bed when you’re falling out of a plane, or slip off the curb. Yes?  Well, that! That, is what I experienced yet I was just stabbed. Repeatedly with a kitchen knife as I run up the stairs in my house and as I woke from the nightmare I realised that there is a shadow in my bedroom in the corner that is the shape of a tall man. Im under the cover at this point crapping myself, heart palpitating and I’m screaming as my teenage daughter comes in the room. Se sleeps in my bed that night because I was too scared to sleep alone.

Moral of the story is. NEVER look out the window into the dark as you go to bed.

It will turn you into a quivering wreck who has to be saved by your teenage daughter that is quite obviously braver than you!

Madison Ward

What No One Tells You About Anxiety

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Anxiety is the fear of the unknown!

It grips your chest and squeezes every little bit of breathe out of your body. It clenches around your heart and makes you paranoid and scared.

Anxiety. It invades every pore on a bad day making the simplest of tasks hard.

A happy thought can turn to worry and paranoia. Your feelings crash against each other in their own personal battle.

It makes daily routines and simple tasks like the school run feel like a marathon you’re not fit enough to tackle. A fear rises and the dread is like a wall blocking your way forward.

You worry people are watching and judging you so it is easier to stay in.

It can have you pacing the floor wearing out your carpet as the fear bubbles and escapes into a cry.

Your mind takes over and mixes your feelings up like a tornado of debris crashing around your brain.

Then the panic attack happens, you try to talk about your feelings but the words don’t come out, you stumble on words and sentences come a jumbled mess as the fear takes hold and squashes any brave thoughts you had.

Isolation takes hold. The friends visit less and become people from the past. The odd nod in the street as you pass, compared to the strong friendship who you had and who you shared secrets with.

You get invited out for a coffee which you really want to do but something happens in the morning that catches you off guard and suddenly the coffee you were looking forward to is just a bitter taste in your mouth.

Slowly friends stop contacting you because they think you’re avoiding them but don’t ask why, they assume you’re rude or you are not the person they thought they knew.

They think their feelings about you are right when really they are far from the truth.

Anxiety will break you unless you fight it!

The daily fight is real!

It’s time to talk!

Madison Ward

Mummy Talks #4 – Daddy’s Birthday!

 

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Tomorrow is my partners birthday so as is customary in our house the children always make a birthday cake. They love the whole messiness of cooking and the licking of the bowl just like all other children. My children have strong stomachs so raw egg here is like a  weekly treat!

The first batch of cupcakes went into the oven came out over cooked which resulted in them being in he bin. There is nothing worse than expecting a lovely fluffy cupcake and ending up with a mouth full of chewy biscuit! … If only they were taken out by oldest daughter after two minutes as I asked. The distraction of son being picked up by daddy for football and I was talking to him, it was too much to ask child to do that for me right?

The fact that we have family coming over this afternoon for a family games night is obviously pressure at the back of mind that we need to be tidied up cleaned, hoovered and be ready to present a beautiful chocolate cake to daddy once he arrives home form work at 5pm. The nice tidy front room that was painlessly tidied and cleaned last hit that now looks like a tornado has flown through for a visit!

Not only that but an optician appointment for the daughter to be told as I know will happen “How often do you still wear your glasses Bethany?” The child who is a teenager and full of righteous emotions tells me that she can see better without them. The same glasses that are correcting her 40 year old eyes! She is 15 in case you wondered. Apparently the whole new age of iPads phones and the need for kids to have gadgets tied to their faces has caused the worlds children and teenagers to have an increase of glasses needed. Another reason I really hate gadgets… ask Max! He will tell you how much I hate electronic toys! They have their place i know but really? They need to be attached once you roll out of bed and fall asleep with them still attached to your ears?

So while Im waiting for cupcakes to now cook… (second batch) and icing of birthday cake and the little cupcakes to go with them which will be decorated by the children, I am updating all you Mums out there who are also pulling your hair out getting cakes baked tidying up and getting stressed out that another birthday has arrived to celebrate wanting everything to be perfect!

The irony is …I’ve cooked the chocolate cake and cupcakes myself!

 

Madison

 

 

The Silent Destroyer!

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I went through a period of my life a few years ago where I got totally sucked in! Sucked into the life of gossip! Something I never was or had been but something I had become.

‘Don’t be a Bitch Witch’ … It’s a saying that I’ve used in recent months where I look back to times where I got sucked into a comedy coven of hatred!

How did I get sucked in? … I was working in a lonely job, you make a friend and they become a saviour to your life and suddenly your good friends! You make a friend through work, at the gym and the good ole’ mummy friends.

The gossiping became a slow progression from the odd comment of something you had heard and passed on to a  couple of years later and you’re a totally different person you once was. This is where you take a step back. Once you realised after a few weeks that you are no long the person you were,  you do the drastic thing of separating yourself from that life.

I’ve always been a kind, generous person and all always help people but when I stepped back I saw so many things I didn’t like and ways in which I was used and treated that you kind of feel detached from it. Like it wasn’t you it happened to. Some people can become so disallusioned that they don’t even realise they are the person that made you who you are today. Realise it and do something. Don’t be the person that is always taken from but when you need someone to be there for you, your left on your own. This was the heartbreaking thing for me. That I was always there for others but they were there when I really needed them. One friend was and I am very grateful for her friendship at the time.

It’s a case of ‘I’m the person you can take advantage of! Here is a list of ways to abuse me!’

  1. When I offer my help out of the kindness of my heart, take it and abuse it! But don’t forget to NOT say thanks!
  2. When I offer to have your child overnight … Make sure you take your time collecting them in the morning! I will get up ready for 9am but of course I don’t mind waiting in until 12 o’clock, cancel my plans and rearrange when you will do it again!
  3. When I come over to visit, make sure you interrupt me when I open my heart with things I need to get off my chest! It’s fine to talk over me too! Thats a new ‘thing’.
  4. When you need help with something, call me! You know I will do it for free!
  5. Don’t forget you have certain friends for certain things! The festival friend, The cinema friend, the workout buddy, the take away friend you wouldn’t be seen out with and of course the friend you can take the piss out off and laugh at who will laugh at herself with you!
  6. Don’t forget to bark on about the fat friend that makes you look skinny!

How did I not see what i was turning into?  The fact is you don’t see until your connection with that person is broken. It’s not that I was desperate for friends because I wasn’t. I have plenty of friends who I’m close to who even after years of not seeing them are still there as if time was frozen! I much prefer to circulate in small groups but there are always those people who give off  a persona that people want to like and once your sucked in you don’t see it.

After the ‘separation’ due to health issues you then go through the whole drama of the gossiping about you. You find out people have assumed you have fallen out, not talking or don’t meet up anymore when in fact it is probably that due to health reasons it wasn’t possible to meet in those situations any more.

These people then assume your avoiding them when in fact it’s just life or your health has changed. The way people treat you most certainly affects the way you deal with day to day life. Everything changes when your health deteriorates. Everything becomes much harder and when your friends are not there, it hurts! The friends you once had now become acquaintances or someone you once knew. They ‘think’ they know why you no longer meet up but never actually ask why. They discuss and make up their own minds for themselves without actually doing the decent thing and ask. If you are in this position and have a friend who has become distant, do the right thing and ask. You never know what personal demons someone is dealing with that can change the way they interact with people.

My advice to you! If you feel uncomfortable by something a friend says and your not in a position to tell them the truth without them totally flipping on you, don’t tell them! Don’t tell them personal details of your life! Share less and don’t tell them things you wouldn’t want your enemy knowing … you can sure as hell guarantee they will break your confidence!

Then there are the friends who make you see sense, they are the ones that are there when you need them. They are there when you are at your lowest point with anxiety and health problems. They are the ones to trust!

So what is the silent destroyer? It is ‘The untold truth!’

Madison

The Fiction Cafe Book Club

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The Fiction Café Facebook Group

I started writing my novel after my holiday to Cornwall in the summer of 2016. I read during some of the ‘research’ into becoming a writer that to be a good writer you need to read more in the genre you intend to write in.

I did what any other writer with no time does and created a Facebook group for other Coffee lovers and bookworms!

It is a very new, relaxed group where we share our love for coffee and books! (…and other hot beverages!)
We will be sharing our favourite books, you can post questions, ask for recommendations and discuss and review books that you have finished.
We will be hosting Reading Challenges throughout the year and events will be organised where the challenges can be discussed.

If you have any ideas for the group feel free to contact an admin.
We are a new group still finding our feet!
Please come and support us at The Fiction Café

Madison

Daily Prompt – Marathon

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I try to pry my eyes open while the persistent ringing throws echoes into my ears making my head hurt. I open my eyes enough to flail my arm at the snooze button. I know I need to get out of bed straight away this morning but it’s not very inspiring when I can hear the rain splashing against the window pane. It sound like a waterfall and realise the guttering still needs to be cleared. Instead of getting up, I wrap the quilt tightly around me to grasp sleep again and to reclaim the warmth lost after the cold air rushed through the quilt. I snuggle into the pillow and try to drop back off and make the most of the next 9 minutes.

I ponder why the snooze button was even invented… its just an unnecessary button. There to tease parents into insecurity… I should just set the alarm ten minutes later and not torture myself with the sound. If it were never invented people would be up in time for work and not desperately try to cling on to the last few minutes of quiet bliss. I sigh as I remember, the floorboards will creak, activating the wooden alarm which will no doubt awaken the little ones who are always too keen to get out of bed…

I fling back the covers and press off on the alarm. Its time for the marathon task of the school run!

via Daily Prompt: Marathon

A New Year!

 

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I will apologise for the lack of presence on my blog… Its because NaNoWriMo happened and then Christmas. It’s unfortunate that they fell at the same time and I decided that with so much ‘stuff’ going around in my brain I couldn’t cope with all of them occupying it at the same time. I need a break frankly from the PC. It’s technology that I dislike but in the modern world it is essential. Well I had a break … of two months and it probably was a lot longer than I anticipated and life just gets in the way!

I am now back and will be posting regularly once again!

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I know I’m two weeks late with greetings but it would-be rude of me not to ask!

My holidays were eventful and they were very busy! Normally Christmas and New Year is filled with many pyjama days wrapped in quilts, coffee in hand and tins of chocolates surrounding us with Netflix marathons galore but this year although this year I had only two lounge around days!

We were happily engaged with celebrations galore! Four Christmas dinners later and many family members competing for title of ‘The Winners’ while playing women versus men, Best of British, Smart Ass and Articulate the men winning as normal … it was pretty fun and the wine flowed!

We hosted New Year’s Eve too. The house was full of family from both our sides  and an emotional realisation that it was the first time we were all in one room together since my Mum passed away in 2007. It was lovely to spend time with my family, something that we don’t do very often and even though we say we must meet up more, life becomes busy and it never happens. A few tears were wiped away and family photographs were taken to remember the occasion which probably won’t happen for a few more years to come.

We all saw the clock strike twelve as fireworks lit up London’s skies … we were viewing via BBC… we saw in New Year. We half sang and half hummed along to ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and pretended to know the words … of course only half of us did so just made the movement of lips to pretend!

Memories were made and was a fabulous holiday period. Celebrations are finished for now but there is a lot to look forward to this year too!

I’m back and can’t wait to get back into routine!

 

Madison!